Wiping Brow

Crrrraaaaazy stuff has been going on in my world....i dont know where to begin! My nana scared us all to death with a week long stay at the hospital. We thought she would need open heart surgery and it turned out that she was eating to much salt. Fluid was building up around her heart and damn near killed her. I told her about making popcorn with butter and salt. It was her only vice but now she cant even have that.

Then, her greedy ass kids come to visit...lurking and looming with questions in their eyes, while massaging shallow pockets as to when the reaper will pay a call. See im the oldest granddaughter out of 13 and she considers me to be her kid....well her kids hate that notion and me even more. My nana owns the three family we live in, im on the premises, see her every day and handle her business affairs, while they live their selfish, reclusive lives in their OWN homes. The idea that this house could me mine someday, has caused such angst that they dont even speak to me now. I would love to tell them all how i REALLY feel but I choose to keep the peace for my nana. I have to channel her God fearing spirit and loving heart every time i feel like pimp slappin one of her kids. My mother and I are the only ones on the same page about nanas quality of life so at least I have one person tryin to hold me down.

Anyway...now we have third floor tenants who were supposedly friends, trying to give us the business on the rent, acting all brand new about how we roll in this house. OMG the chic had the nerve to call the police on Mista...and that is a story ill have to hit yall with later cause...um...nana beckons...LOL!

Peace and love yall!

Its Time For Take Out

"This is us baby! I love you with all my heart and soul

to have and to hold, til we grow old and the earth is cold

til we can no longer be bought or sold, when the answers

to life's mysteries unfold as it has been foretold.

Your Queen consort, ally, kin

mother to the next King, faithful, obedient to you alone

at your side next to your throne, you will never be alone

from the stars to the ozone , aeon's beyond Heavens doors

in this life and the next I shall remain yours".

I meant this from the abyss of my being but every day since, Mista's bullshit has been chipping away at it! I used to think of him as my best friend, someone I can tell my secrets to...not random stuff but things that are on a need to know basis. Things about me and my family that have helped him understand who I am, where I came from and the method to my madness when I stress about certain members of my fam. Unfortunately, those very things I confide in him about are constantly used against me when we beef. For example, I picked up my son from my mom's house since he spent the night. I was to take a plate of food home for my nana so I had to wait for a while. I'm looking at the clock shaking my head cause I know my nana is a maniac if she doesnt eat on time. When I finally get there with the food she's straight pissed and I could swear I saw her foaming at the mouth a little bit. So I leave the food and back slowly out the door as I was not crazy enough to turn my back on her...lol. When I get home my mom calls to tell me that my nana called her looking for the food, snapping at her with incoherent threats and i think she said a swear. Now my nana is incredible....beautiful, intelligent...I mean you can feel the presence of God when you walk in her house but DONT GET IT TWISTED WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD!

Anyway, my mom was so hurt she started crying so I had to do damage control. After all was said and done I talked to Mista and he asked me about my day. Of course I told him and that was that. Now my son is playing a video game (strictly for hand eye coordination folks, he is no couch potato) and he asks his father to help him. Mista rolls his eyes and walks over to him with a reluctance that really pissed me off. I'm like "dude, when he's not here you can't wait to see him and when he is here you act like you dont wanna be bothered". He says "nobody is talking to you..but I guess you're gonna be ugly tonite cause your grandmother didnt get to eat on time and its your mothers fault"

((gently putting the gun back in safe mode...i dont think he heard the click))

See thats the shit right there...another example of him running with things I tell him. I really don't want a partner like this. Matter of fact I really think I should be alone now. I know my thoughts seem kind of all over the place but Mista and I have a 12 year history and we've been through all kinds of insanity. He's said and done some things that should be unforgivable but i continue to give him the benefit of the doubt, as I am hoping to cash in on his potential greatness. I know its there but my vision gets blurry when he acts like a jerk. Right now he's trying to convince my son to turn off his game (cause HE's tired of looking at it) and watch a movie. My son is a K1 student who gets homework every night, is told what to do, when to do it from 7:30 a.m. til about 5 p.m. every single day...I don't mind if he comes home to spaz out and do what he likes. ITS CALLED THE WEEKEND...DAMN!!!!

I don't know. Mista's quest seems to be about having control but what he fails to realize is that he doesn't need to TAKE control. I'm down for equal parenting, talking things through together, coming up with a solution that is beneficial to all.

I've pretty much exhausted my efforts.

The inevitable is beginning to occur....I don't feel like cooking anymore.

Peace & Love Yall

I'll Have What She's Having

My bff is an expectant mom and I want in. She doesn’t know it yet but I’m hijacking that kid. I’m definitely feeling that mommy tug again but I CANNOT afford it. The only thing that seems to stick out in my mind is the high cost of daycare at more than $500/mo….yeah fugg that! Sterilizing bottles, changing diapers, getting up hella early or late depending on how one looks at it, is something I don’t really miss. I used to wish my son would hurry up and talk, run around the house chanting my name etc. Now that he’s four I have all that and more. I miss the days of leaving him in the middle of the bed between two pillows knowing he couldn’t move even if he wanted to. The loooooooong nap times that equaled to me times....NO MORE! Now I have this little hellion walking around talking shit like he just wrote a check for the rent and put food in the fridge. He’s the love of my life but insanely demanding. My lil Ike Turner as his god-mommy so fondly refers to him. I have to put him to sleep in my bed, wait til he’s in a deep sleep, then whisk him off to his own bed. He insists that I sleep with him and if I take too long he bellows from MY bed…”Mooooooommmmmmmaaaaayyyyyyyy….COME TO BED! Its funny but its my fault that I didn’t curb this behavior from jump.

So when my girl finally has her little one, I’m gonna suck all the baby scent off, give her back and say see ya tomorrow cuz I’ve been there done that…LOL. I’m really excited for her though. She’s going to make a wonderful mother and I forgive her in advance for calling me at ungodly hours of the night to change the shitty diapers.

Peace & Love Yall!

Ex Won't Mark The Spot

Hello folks! Its been about a week or so and I’ve been caught up in someone elses drama as usual. I have to cut this shit out. I have my own issues to deal with, yet I’m always sought after for advice and opinion. I guess I should be flattered that folks feel like they can trust me with their deep, dark secrets. Funny but when I need to spaz out...I either keep it to myself, ride in my truck with my music blasting me out of the atmosphere or let it go right here, whispering to the mind, body and souls of the anonymous.

ANYWAY…

My ex hubby and I are the best of friends. How does Mista feel about this you ask? He’s cool with it because I never hid anything from him. I was actually still married to my ex when I met Mista. Unfortunately we stopped being married in the traditional sense for about two years before our divorce, I was hella lonely…he was doing his own thing and when I wasn't looking, that sweet newbie love I spoke of before swept me away.

So me and the ex were best buds even during our court date. We were the only couple in the room holding hands, flirting and choking back our laughter which made the judge ask if we were absolutely sure we wanted to get the divorce. In unison we were like “yeah”!! I got to keep my last name “cause I worked TOO hard for it…your honor” (said in my best tina “angela bassett” turner voice). Every day since then, well over ten years ago, we’ve stayed in touch. We didn’t speak EVERYDAY but we never lost touch. In that time his nephew was killed in a motorcycle accident leaving behind two children. I went to the house and the funeral to pay my respects and his family was so very kind. It was as if I never left. His girlfriend was just as gracious and welcoming but he’s mentioned to me before that she was jealous of my ghost and often feared he and I would reconcile.Never that. Once I’m done…I’m done.

Mista, my ex and I hang out a little…well the ex would come over for a drink every now and again, we’d talk for a while then call it night. I get the occasional questions from Mista…”so if you had a chance to get back would you”? Or “I can tell he still loves you”

I try not to let those inquiries bother me 'cause I STILL believe him when he says he's cool with the friendship.

My ex calls me one day to tell me he’s not happy with his current girlfriend, he’s seeing someone else on the side and he’s absolutely miserable. I gave him my opinion on all the details he gave me about the mistress, the pros and cons and the whole “don’t leave your current girl for that newbie love and its gonna end soon” speech. Of course it took something drastic on her part to make him see the light so now he has to decide if he still wants to be with his current girl. He and the current girl had a knock down drag out, she bit him on the arm after the smack that drew blood, he left and spent the night out…she drank herself into a coma, called him the next day to say “get your shit” then bawled a river to convince him to stay and NOW…………she’s in the hospital. She had an aneurysm a few years back. According to him, she smokes cigarettes, and is a heavy drinker.

The love I have for him on the friend level has me begging to tell the doctors all he knows about her condition cause she is a walking time bomb. I dread the thought of him calling me to say she has expired. I really don’t think I could take something like that. Though it would be no love loss between her and I, my heart would bleed for his loss. I think I should chill out with all my advice giving in regard to his life. After all…it is HIS life. Is it disrespectful to my man to still have this friendship with my ex, even though we are all cool? I just can’t stand to keep a secret. To have to tiptoe around with clandestine conversations is so juvenile. Perhaps I should ask the question of myself. Could I deal with my man’s ex calling, and visiting on the regular? Gotta get back to you on that one.

Question:

Have you ever broken off a romantic relationship and kept the friendship, whether you were with someone or not?

Peace & Love Yall!

I Love You

“I love you”…”I love you too baby”! Opening the black velvet box I find a pair of beautiful gold earrings. “Oh how sweet….but um….”WHERE IS MY GIANT BOX OF ACT RIGHT?” I don’t mean to come off unappreciative but unless I get what I asked for then this small token of his love (aka band-aid) is going straight to the pawn shop.
I’m not big on holidays and gift giving anyway. I was raised to believe that if you have something you want to share with someone, do it right away since tomorrow is not promised. I also feel that gift giving is not necessary for me, its all in how you treat me…make me feel.

I’m also crazy in love with the notion of love. It will conquer all things and make it mo’ betta…mix that crap with a heavy dose of cynicism and watch reality bite.

Remember newbie love when you put your best foot forward, not a hair was out of place and you wouldn’t even THINK about farting around them? The butterflies you get when you pick up the phone on the first ring, then get pissed ‘cause its not him/her. Staying up on the phone all night listening to each other breathe, falling asleep during the silence and insisting you weren’t snoring. What about the first time you said “I love you”! What a wild feeling.

Now several years later, perhaps after a few children, the love is still there but different somehow. Only folks that still love each other can tolerate the morning breath and screw face a new day brings. Not giving a shit that you farted ‘cause hell, you gotta let it out or suffer a heart attack…lol! When the phone rings now its like “WHAT…yeah yeah I’ll take out the trash…ok ok …yeah…love you too...BYE! Ahhh…love in all its splendor.

Its Valentines Day and I hope it finds you in the hearts and minds of someone you truly love and care for.

Peace yall!

Catch Me If You Can

I had a court date today for a judgement against me in the amount of $10,000. Ok let me start at the beginning. I was in an accident about five years ago. This dude ran a light and fugged my rental car up...well it was my nana's rental from an accident SHE had weeks earlier but I was driving it back to the agency for her. Dude was clearly in the wrong and it took a few years, several depositions, crying, throwin up and bleedin on the floor sometime, until I finally won the case. All that time and aggravation later I only came out with $6k...oh well, thank you Jesus and im moving forward. So the attorney for the insurance company for the rental car agency sued me for what they couldn't recoup from that non-driving mofo.

Next thing you know I get a warrant in the mail for my arrest for failure to show up to the hearing regarding above mentioned bullshit. Weeellllll....I NEVER GOT THAT NOTICE! I'd like to think i'm a responsible individual and I KNOW i never got served. Went to court to answer the warrant and they couldn't produce a document to show that it was sent certified. That shit changes everything...if they can't prove it was sent then damn it I 'm not paying it. The magistrate tries to scare me with wage garnishment talk...interest penalties blah blah blah and had the nerve to ask me to sign something to say I agree and will pay. HAHAHAHA! Don't they know that signing ANYTHING like that is admission of guilt and that I agree they fuggin tried to jack me right in my face???? So if they SAY a court order was sent and you dont show up, they know its an automatic judgement against you with a demand to pay in full! I brought this to Mr. magistrates attention which was immediately followed with a few stutters, and an apology to hopefully clear up this matter. Needless to say, I've been continuing this case for well over a year with interest steadily accruing, as I have NO intention of paying it. When I die, they can dig up my rotting corps, pry the teeth out of my gaping mouth and look for some fillings to sell! Fuggin criminals!

Peace and love yall!

Now Where Did I Put That Key?

Once upon a time, I found my true love. I fell for him just seconds after our lips touched. Sweet nuances of mutual adoration lingered in our mouths, eyes transfixed because we recognized each other at once. I wanted to express love for him at that moment and as soon as I began to utter the words, he said "I love you too"!

I think my soul mate is asleep in the other room, but so many things have happened in our life, I'm almost sure I missed him. In my quest to maintain control, live independently, and vow to not let anyone hurt or walk all over me, I may have taken for granted the very best in my partner. Of course these realizations only come when you're up late at night, thoughts running for miles down an uncertain road until you find yourself at the inevitable crossroad of life. Is it too late to do a one-eighty to try and smooth that thing out? I believe the love is still there, carefully wrapped in a black satin box, beneath the floor boards in the closets of our hearts. The doors seem locked and I pray we still hold the key.