to have and to hold, til we grow old and the earth is cold
til we can no longer be bought or sold, when the answers
to life's mysteries unfold as it has been foretold.
Your Queen consort, ally, kin
mother to the next King, faithful, obedient to you alone
at your side next to your throne, you will never be alone
from the stars to the ozone , aeon's beyond Heavens doors
in this life and the next I shall remain yours".
I meant this from the abyss of my being but every day since, Mista's bullshit has been chipping away at it! I used to think of him as my best friend, someone I can tell my secrets to...not random stuff but things that are on a need to know basis. Things about me and my family that have helped him understand who I am, where I came from and the method to my madness when I stress about certain members of my fam. Unfortunately, those very things I confide in him about are constantly used against me when we beef. For example, I picked up my son from my mom's house since he spent the night. I was to take a plate of food home for my nana so I had to wait for a while. I'm looking at the clock shaking my head cause I know my nana is a maniac if she doesnt eat on time. When I finally get there with the food she's straight pissed and I could swear I saw her foaming at the mouth a little bit. So I leave the food and back slowly out the door as I was not crazy enough to turn my back on her...lol. When I get home my mom calls to tell me that my nana called her looking for the food, snapping at her with incoherent threats and i think she said a swear. Now my nana is incredible....beautiful, intelligent...I mean you can feel the presence of God when you walk in her house but DONT GET IT TWISTED WHEN IT COMES TO FOOD!
Anyway, my mom was so hurt she started crying so I had to do damage control. After all was said and done I talked to Mista and he asked me about my day. Of course I told him and that was that. Now my son is playing a video game (strictly for hand eye coordination folks, he is no couch potato) and he asks his father to help him. Mista rolls his eyes and walks over to him with a reluctance that really pissed me off. I'm like "dude, when he's not here you can't wait to see him and when he is here you act like you dont wanna be bothered". He says "nobody is talking to you..but I guess you're gonna be ugly tonite cause your grandmother didnt get to eat on time and its your mothers fault"
((gently putting the gun back in safe mode...i dont think he heard the click))
See thats the shit right there...another example of him running with things I tell him. I really don't want a partner like this. Matter of fact I really think I should be alone now. I know my thoughts seem kind of all over the place but Mista and I have a 12 year history and we've been through all kinds of insanity. He's said and done some things that should be unforgivable but i continue to give him the benefit of the doubt, as I am hoping to cash in on his potential greatness. I know its there but my vision gets blurry when he acts like a jerk. Right now he's trying to convince my son to turn off his game (cause HE's tired of looking at it) and watch a movie. My son is a K1 student who gets homework every night, is told what to do, when to do it from 7:30 a.m. til about 5 p.m. every single day...I don't mind if he comes home to spaz out and do what he likes. ITS CALLED THE WEEKEND...DAMN!!!!
I don't know. Mista's quest seems to be about having control but what he fails to realize is that he doesn't need to TAKE control. I'm down for equal parenting, talking things through together, coming up with a solution that is beneficial to all.
I've pretty much exhausted my efforts.
The inevitable is beginning to occur....I don't feel like cooking anymore.Peace & Love Yall