April 18, 2009
February 28, 2009
February 26, 2009
So when my girl finally has her little one, I’m gonna suck all the baby scent off, give her back and say see ya tomorrow cuz I’ve been there done that…LOL. I’m really excited for her though. She’s going to make a wonderful mother and I forgive her in advance for calling me at ungodly hours of the night to change the shitty diapers.
Peace & Love Yall!
February 25, 2009
Hello folks! Its been about a week or so and I’ve been caught up in someone elses drama as usual. I have to cut this shit out. I have my own issues to deal with, yet I’m always sought after for advice and opinion. I guess I should be flattered that folks feel like they can trust me with their deep, dark secrets. Funny but when I need to spaz out...I either keep it to myself, ride in my truck with my music blasting me out of the atmosphere or let it go right here, whispering to the mind, body and souls of the anonymous.
My ex hubby and I are the best of friends. How does Mista feel about this you ask? He’s cool with it because I never hid anything from him. I was actually still married to my ex when I met Mista. Unfortunately we stopped being married in the traditional sense for about two years before our divorce, I was hella lonely…he was doing his own thing and when I wasn't looking, that sweet newbie love I spoke of before swept me away.
So me and the ex were best buds even during our court date. We were the only couple in the room holding hands, flirting and choking back our laughter which made the judge ask if we were absolutely sure we wanted to get the divorce. In unison we were like “yeah”!! I got to keep my last name “cause I worked TOO hard for it…your honor” (said in my best tina “angela bassett” turner voice). Every day since then, well over ten years ago, we’ve stayed in touch. We didn’t speak EVERYDAY but we never lost touch. In that time his nephew was killed in a motorcycle accident leaving behind two children. I went to the house and the funeral to pay my respects and his family was so very kind. It was as if I never left. His girlfriend was just as gracious and welcoming but he’s mentioned to me before that she was jealous of my ghost and often feared he and I would reconcile.Never that. Once I’m done…I’m done.
Mista, my ex and I hang out a little…well the ex would come over for a drink every now and again, we’d talk for a while then call it night. I get the occasional questions from Mista…”so if you had a chance to get back would you”? Or “I can tell he still loves you”
My ex calls me one day to tell me he’s not happy with his current girlfriend, he’s seeing someone else on the side and he’s absolutely miserable. I gave him my opinion on all the details he gave me about the mistress, the pros and cons and the whole “don’t leave your current girl for that newbie love and its gonna end soon” speech. Of course it took something drastic on her part to make him see the light so now he has to decide if he still wants to be with his current girl. He and the current girl had a knock down drag out, she bit him on the arm after the smack that drew blood, he left and spent the night out…she drank herself into a coma, called him the next day to say “get your shit” then bawled a river to convince him to stay and NOW…………she’s in the hospital. She had an aneurysm a few years back. According to him, she smokes cigarettes, and is a heavy drinker.
The love I have for him on the friend level has me begging to tell the doctors all he knows about her condition cause she is a walking time bomb. I dread the thought of him calling me to say she has expired. I really don’t think I could take something like that. Though it would be no love loss between her and I, my heart would bleed for his loss. I think I should chill out with all my advice giving in regard to his life. After all…it is HIS life. Is it disrespectful to my man to still have this friendship with my ex, even though we are all cool? I just can’t stand to keep a secret. To have to tiptoe around with clandestine conversations is so juvenile. Perhaps I should ask the question of myself. Could I deal with my man’s ex calling, and visiting on the regular? Gotta get back to you on that one.
Have you ever broken off a romantic relationship and kept the friendship, whether you were with someone or not?
Peace & Love Yall!
February 13, 2009
I’m not big on holidays and gift giving anyway. I was raised to believe that if you have something you want to share with someone, do it right away since tomorrow is not promised. I also feel that gift giving is not necessary for me, its all in how you treat me…make me feel.
Remember newbie love when you put your best foot forward, not a hair was out of place and you wouldn’t even THINK about farting around them? The butterflies you get when you pick up the phone on the first ring, then get pissed ‘cause its not him/her. Staying up on the phone all night listening to each other breathe, falling asleep during the silence and insisting you weren’t snoring. What about the first time you said “I love you”! What a wild feeling.
Now several years later, perhaps after a few children, the love is still there but different somehow. Only folks that still love each other can tolerate the morning breath and screw face a new day brings. Not giving a shit that you farted ‘cause hell, you gotta let it out or suffer a heart attack…lol! When the phone rings now its like “WHAT…yeah yeah I’ll take out the trash…ok ok …yeah…love you too...BYE! Ahhh…love in all its splendor.
Its Valentines Day and I hope it finds you in the hearts and minds of someone you truly love and care for.
February 12, 2009
February 8, 2009
I think my soul mate is asleep in the other room, but so many things have happened in our life, I'm almost sure I missed him. In my quest to maintain control, live independently, and vow to not let anyone hurt or walk all over me, I may have taken for granted the very best in my partner. Of course these realizations only come when you're up late at night, thoughts running for miles down an uncertain road until you find yourself at the inevitable crossroad of life. Is it too late to do a one-eighty to try and smooth that thing out? I believe the love is still there, carefully wrapped in a black satin box, beneath the floor boards in the closets of our hearts. The doors seem locked and I pray we still hold the key.
February 2, 2009
in between reality
and the unseen
daydreams while in
The need out weighs
images of the last time
cause we found a find
like delicious wine
and plump green grapes...
a picnic arranged to escape
the choices we made
vows once obeyed
now heads in hands are laid
resting uneasy in the shade
of this thing we think is love
until the novelty wears off
the unseen fades into reality
like dusk meets dawn
we...yesterday is gone.
February 1, 2009
I think he stays not because he still loves me but because he feels I may “poison” our son against him and his staying around insures he’ll be raised correctly because there’s a man around. Ok…so I DON’T subscribe to this at all. I’m sure our son can feel the daily tension between us, the lack of affection and strained conversation. What tears my heart out is his awareness of things and his knowing little heart that makes his mouth utter a truce, demanding that we be friends.
I’ve asked Mista to leave because our misery is infectious. I have no desire to keep him away from our son, nor do I plan to poison his little mind with negative thoughts about his father. Mista is intent on staying and “working it out” but damn…at what cost?
There are times when we are friendly and civil to one another, a glimmer of hope shines through our uncertainty and we forget that we hate each other. It isn’t until our son asks for something, or discipline is in order that we have the ultimate fall out. Our ideology about raising our son and everything in between is at least sixty percent of the problem.
Right now I’m at a Super Bowl party at his mother’s house. We had a falling out before we left so he’s not speaking to me. I’m incredibly uncomfortable because it’s HIS family here and I have to put on a face. Again we are here because of my son, so he can see his other cousins and have a good time. Sucks for me! I’ve been asked…”why don’t you just leave…tell him to go” etc. I’m sure I will at some point and I think I’m just dragging my feet about it because I just don’t want to be alone.
January 31, 2009
January 30, 2009
Im not in a bad mood...just looking in the mirror and checking for self!
I really wish Mista would get off this damn Xbox and put some shelves up, clean out a closet, or just make me a sandwich...but I won't say anything 'cause i'm not into emasculation....right now..LOL. Before I left this morning he shaved his face, gave me a kiss and I just wanted to smack him. How dare he look so good, making my annoyances with him dissipate. I guess thats kind of shallow huh? "damn sweetie you're kinda cute today..." No.NO!!! "shake that shit off..square your shoulders...arch your right eyebrow...you have NOT been affected by this".
Unfortunately, I need to cut this short...lunch is around the corner and I like to hit the stores, regret my purchases and smile sweetly to myself for sneaking them into the house while behaving like these items have always been there. Well...thats unless its something for the house...and even then I really don't care...Every Friday is a "PAY ME FIRST" holiday.
Peace and Love
January 28, 2009
January 27, 2009
I had fun but it got to be a bit of a chore 'cause my mommy thang kicked in and cleaning another kids booger face is NOT the move. Breaking up push and shove matches was challenging 'cause I just wanted to tell the other kid to "get off my boy" even though I knew damn well lil man started the whole thing. HA!So after all the hoopla it was time for lunch, which took entirely too long. I had to take lil man to the bathroom and sneak him a bite of his granola bar. You know you can't break out food in front of the other kids...the puppy dog eyes would have had me walking like a zombie to the food court for them. Well after they were settled and eating...I had to sneak to the food court for something fried and under five dollars...all the while walking back to the spot reeeeallll slow so lil man wouldn't ask me for any. Horrible I know but he gets EVERYTHING I got...surely I can horde my box of cholesterol and ketchup.
After lunch it was a wrap. We headed back to school where lil man and I said our good-byes and hopped the train home. When I got home to check my email, i hear this low "hmmmph" behind me. Mista let me know he read my blog.........grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. More on THAT later.
Peace & Love